Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
