I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
