I accidentally had phone sex last night
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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