Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
