I met the friendliest cop last night
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
