He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
