when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
