I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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