just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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