thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
