He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Ketchup is God's man juice
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
