i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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