You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
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