woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
