Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
