Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
