This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
