I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
