Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize