My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
