i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
