In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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