i think i have two assholes
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
