just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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