I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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