My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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