if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
