Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
