I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
