I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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