There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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