Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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