I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
