my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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