So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
