Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
