did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
