I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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