And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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