I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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