T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
