I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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