they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
