the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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