So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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