i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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