Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize