mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize