every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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