Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We had sex on a dog bed..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
