Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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