R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
BRING THE BAGELS
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
