the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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