Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
