My sheets look like a crime scene.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
