I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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