Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
