How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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