Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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